Livin' in the Cit-ay
I'm currently in my former city, wrapping up a weekend of photography. On Friday I did ten minutes worth of engagement shots for a couple who probably SHOULDN'T make it to the alter. Within the first sixty seconds, the future groom had spouted off more four letter words than even I manage to spit. He didn't wanna (get your Chris Farley Motivational Speaker on here...) "SIT IN FUCKING GOOSE SHIT". He didn't wanna "TAKE ANY MORE GOD DAMN PICTURES". He didn't want to "TOUCH HIS FIANCE". It was great stuff. My mom stayed at least twelve feet away from our insanity triangle, because she, the woman who wishes I get raped in my ass, was uncomfortable. Supposedly they're getting married in April. Right. We'll see.
I took more wedding shots yesterday, over 800 actually, and will be editing those fuckers for the next week or more. As the bride was about to walk down the aisle, she had to kick out a homeless looking hooker named Desiree who decided to wander into the church and see if her boyfriend was there. I'm talkin, music was already PLAYING, and the bride's mother was walking down the aisle, and Desireenayshay didn't understand that she didn't fucking BELONG THERE. Finally, after that fuck slut left, the bride realized she didn't have her veil on yet. She audibly gasped, "I DON'T HAVE MY FUCKING VEIL ON", and it's amazing to me that the 100+ guests didn't hear her. I'm pretty sure even Desiree heard her on the outside of the church she had no biznass being in.
Last night, after all of the photo excitment was over, I returned to the apartment where I'm staying and drove my friend downtown so that she could tear it up, and avoid parking and driving at the end of the night. I strutted out of the house in hot pink sweat pants, a purple T that screamed "B IS FOR BLING" and animal print ballet flats with a bow on 'em. I fit right in. After I dumped my friend off, I tooled through downtown a bit, taking in all of the sights and sounds that I used to live and die for. In those moments, I realized that I'm an HGTV watchin', perm havin', camel toe in the making. I longed for my couch and the safety of an animal spoon like Desiree longs for dick. My life as a fly girl has officially ended. Sonofabitch. B is now for Bingo.
I took more wedding shots yesterday, over 800 actually, and will be editing those fuckers for the next week or more. As the bride was about to walk down the aisle, she had to kick out a homeless looking hooker named Desiree who decided to wander into the church and see if her boyfriend was there. I'm talkin, music was already PLAYING, and the bride's mother was walking down the aisle, and Desireenayshay didn't understand that she didn't fucking BELONG THERE. Finally, after that fuck slut left, the bride realized she didn't have her veil on yet. She audibly gasped, "I DON'T HAVE MY FUCKING VEIL ON", and it's amazing to me that the 100+ guests didn't hear her. I'm pretty sure even Desiree heard her on the outside of the church she had no biznass being in.
Last night, after all of the photo excitment was over, I returned to the apartment where I'm staying and drove my friend downtown so that she could tear it up, and avoid parking and driving at the end of the night. I strutted out of the house in hot pink sweat pants, a purple T that screamed "B IS FOR BLING" and animal print ballet flats with a bow on 'em. I fit right in. After I dumped my friend off, I tooled through downtown a bit, taking in all of the sights and sounds that I used to live and die for. In those moments, I realized that I'm an HGTV watchin', perm havin', camel toe in the making. I longed for my couch and the safety of an animal spoon like Desiree longs for dick. My life as a fly girl has officially ended. Sonofabitch. B is now for Bingo.
posted by Snap at 6:36 AM
2 Comments:
That couple sounds like a train wreck. And you have it all in photos. Fabulous.
Tell that poor girl that she's accidentally switched her fiance with my ex-husband. Did he bitch slap her when she bought her wedding shoes?
Run woman!
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